Parenting Shy Kids

My daughter is such a sweet girl.  She is so desperately shy sometimes though, that she hardly has a chance to show people who she really is.  As a recovering shy girl, I had hoped she would not be like me, but now that she is, I understand her more than my husband (Mr. Outgoing) can. 

We went to church this last Sunday morning.  It has been a while since we have been able to go, things are always getting in the way in our busy life- work, travel, illnesses etc.  So I dropped Em off at the child care place where she could play with all the kids her age.  She usually liked it before, but mostly played alone.  This week though, she just screamed and cried until they finally paged me to come and get her.  She has become increasingly shy and anti-social. 

I am wondering if my decision to not put her in preschool was a bad decision.  So now I am scrambling around thinking of ways to socialize her a little more.  I think as a kid though, I was forced into many things I was terrified of and was really unhappy about it.  I don't want to force the shyness out of her but rather nurture it out of her. 

Why are some kids shy?  Research shows shyness is inherited, they are born to be more sensitive new people and situations.  I do see the truth in this with Em.  As a baby if we went to large events, I would have to stand away from the crowd where it was quieter and calmer until she was adjusted enough for me to join the party (still holding her of course). 

So how can we gently nudge them into socializing?

Prep them in advance.  Days before an event, such as, birthday parties or a new dance class, talk to them about what is going to happen.  Emily will be starting a couple new things in the next week, MOPS and dance class.  I am afraid to overwhelm her and have her tense up and sit in the corner alone.  So I should start now by telling her that when she starts dance class, mommy can't go with her, she will have to be brave and make mommy proud by making a new friend.

Give them a chance to tell you why they are so scared.  Talk through the fears and maybe even tell them about how you were once shy too.  This might help them not feel so afraid and alone.  I try this all the time but all I ever get out of her is "because I scared".  One day I may get a better answer.

Sensitive parenting will be helpful.  Be aware and sensitive to their feelings and nervousness to help ease them into situations.  Don't respond harshly or sarcastically to their fears and shyness but work with it and realize that it makes them special. 

Be a social role model by being friendly and outgoing.  This one is a bit hard for me too, but I have lost a lot of my shyness as I have gotten older.  So when we are out in social situations, we will show Emily that we can be friendly. 

Develop relationships with other care givers and teachers.  This is important so they can be comfortable with them also.  When I leave Emily with any of our friends to babysit she has no problems.  So maybe if we had her Sunday school teacher over for dinner one night, she would be happier in her care at church.

Practice.  This idea seems silly to me but it might help. Practice pretend situations where your child needs to make new friends.  Teach them to introduce themselves to other kids and ask them their name. 

Shyness is not a bad quality, it can be limiting but if we nurture them though the roughest time, they will be able to manage their shyness and maybe even grow out of it. 

Overly Spoiled Girl

Does anyone else spoil their daughters more just because shes a girl and girl things are so cute?! I sometimes feel like a bad mom because I'm not overly equal with my purchases.  I will be honest and face the facts, I buy Emily way more things. 

Poor Will and all his boyishness.  That little Y chromosome gave him the short end of the stick when it comes to cute clothes, toys and accesories.  Although boy clothes have come a long way in cuteness, it just doesn't compare to the girls clothes. 

I justify to myself that Will is so young and doesn't care about these things, but really, I did it for her when she was his age.  For example, Emily had the cutest pair of sunglasses, before she was one.  They matched her bathing suit, but she wore them all the time.  She looked awesome and it was good for her eyes right?!  Well I don't know if they were protective glasses really but thats not exactly the point.  Here Will is over one and I have yet to buy him a pair of sunglasses, because it's not like he needs them right?  See what I did there- totally justified it.  I gotta stop that.  I really doubt he will leave them on his face really, but I haven't yet tried. 

Will did get a cute birthday shirt to wear for his birthday, but I will admit, I didn't even buy it, and I wonder if I would have gotten him anything that specific.  For Emily however I picked out her shirt before his birthday and even got a matching birthday bow for her hair.  Really, to top it all off I was going to make her a tutu to complete the outfit.  Adorable. 

So after all this, I wonder...  Am I a bad mom or is this all just normal for a mom with a older daughter.  He deffinitly is not loved less, kissed less, hugged less or held less.  It all material.  Unimportant in the long run.  The attention we give our kids matters more than the clothes we buy, and the accessories to go with them.  Love is the best present we can give our kids and thankfully I have that in abundance.