Through all my stress of Emily and her ridiculously high fevers I found out some bad news about a friend. Yet another person losing a pregnancy. I am always so saddened by this news and it always bring back so much pain of my own losses.
So I thought for anyone who goes through a miscarriage or has a friend or family member go through one I will tell my story so you know there is someone out there you can talk to and relate to. From my own experience people had a hard time figuring out what to say. So this may help...
I have been pregnant 5 times, only 2 have ended with healthy babies. My first pregnancy was my first loss, at 10 and a half weeks along. I was already in love with the baby, so happy to be a mom. My first would have turned 3 last week. It still pains me to think about and I continue to grieve although the pain is mostly gone. As I grieved for my first loss I also lost my innocent view of pregnancy and the blind trust in my body's ability to take care of my babies. My grief was long. I cried uncontrollably for longer than everyone thought I should. People were confused about what to say to me. How do you help someone grieve for something that barely existed? But to me it was my baby, a big loss that deserved big grief. I was lucky to have gotten pregnant again right away with my daughter. She pulled me through my sadness and gave me hope. As she was close to turning one I knew we should work on getting pregnant again. I knew in my heart I would have problems. My second and third miscarriages happened during that time, within 4 months of each other. They were earlier than the first, 7 weeks. I'd gotten it down to a science by then; I always took 2 pregnancy tests a couple days apart, if it got lighter I knew I wouldn't carry the baby. Sure enough I wouldn't. These were less painful losses for me. I think because I didn't allow myself together attached like I had the first time. A few months after my third miscarriage I became pregnant with my son. I am so thankful for my two kids and always think about the others I could have had. They will always be remembered and missed.
So what can you say to someone going through a miscarriage? First,there are thing's I would recommend NOT to say. Don't say it's for the best, or there must have been something wrong with the baby. These statements do not bring comfort to a grieving mother. Don't say that you understand if you have not been through it. Unless you have experienced this loss it's not something you can understand, and that's okay.
Here's what you can say. Say you are sorry for their loss. It's a sad time, so let them know you will be there when they are ready to talk. Even though you may not fully understand, you can listen and be sympathetic. Look for local or online discussion groups, and offer it to them when they are ready to begin working through their pain. Most of all go out of your way to spend time with them. Ignoring the person who has had a miscarriage sends the wrong message.
April 29th: Saturday Sharefest
20 hours ago